Doctor Secrets! My Real Life…

Mall Anxiety

Hello World. My first post I want to share a silent ailment, unspoken yet suffered by many. I call it Mall Anxiety - Bram Stoker Dracula Music plays in the background. And it goes like this… Ever had a dream where you were butt naked running around like a fool at some public place to derisive giggling, finger pointing, and embarrassment?  Well that’s how I felt today at the SuperMall. Used to happen alot more. And I thought I’d outgrown it like many other adolescent awkwardnesses.

But oh no. A combo of sleep deprivation, prewedding jitters, and an unfamiliar huge Mall got me off guard today. There’s a sudden desire, no biological demand to dart out of the store and away from the madness. But malls are a necessary part of our survival as HomoCommercialus. So I’ll share my techniques I use to conquer Mall Anxiety.

Tips to Deal with Mall Anxiety:

• Wear a baseball cap. Helps you feel incognito. I also tried dressing like the Unabomber… didn’t go down so well with security. So lose the sunglasses and hoodie indoors. Caps are just plain sporty cool and blend you right in with the wallpaper.
• Go with a blabber mouth friend. They’ll keep ya distracted from the boogey sales-man and commercial zombies.
• Eat and keep hydrated. I find if I’m hungry panic sets in. Whereas when I’m full I feel downright pleasant. Nothing like a gatorade and protein bar to spin my frown upside down.
• Make a list. Focus on your list of things to do. Then do them.
• Don’t look at mirrors. This isn’t a vampire test. But I find if I’m nervous and I see myself nervous I get more nervous.
• Cut the internal dialogue spiral: “oh my gosh I’m feeling nervous, OMG I’m really nervous now, Holy fK I’m gonna have a heart attack!” Shift your attention from yourself to outside of yourself. E.g. focussing on a person/s walking ahead of you.
• If you’re nerves are so bad you haven’t been to a mall since you hit puberty chat with your doc about trying a little ativan or propranolol for public engagements.